Wednesday, July 06, 2005

But we'll let you keep Schwartzenegger

This is making the email rounds and cheered me up, so I'm passing it on.

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe the split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum it up: You get Texas, Oklahoma and the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay and Tom DeLay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom and Enron. We get Stanford, Harvard and Yale. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to pay your fair share for once.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than amongst you Christian Coalition types, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.

If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't seem to mind if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMD turn up, but we're not willing to waste our resources on Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, the Ivy and Seven Sister schools -- plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

As for you Red Staters, you get to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of televangelists, along with Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of you Red Staters believe Jonah was really swallowed by the whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless you're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say evolution is a wacky theory and believe dinosaurs walked the earth 6,000 years ago, 53% still think Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% believe you have higher moral standards than us progressives. So we won't miss you crazy bastards much.

By the way, we're taking the good pot too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Unknown Author in New California

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